Pronounced Stress?

I've having some problems concerning this language:-
Please bear with me as I bare all;
Here's some verbal refuse which you just can't refuse -
Lest your English becomes your downfall.

If a painter can paint, then a grocer should "groce" -
You can see that it's perfectly logical
That my fingers should "fing", and my shoulder should "should" -
Then our language would be more methodical!

If I fill out a form, have I filled it in, too?
Could I say that a tray has been gilded with "guilt" ?
There's no ham in hamburger, no cheese in cheesecake -
And how come we don't we call a building a "built" ?

I won't shed a tear if you tear down the shed -
It'll burn up before it burns down!
It matches the matches I lit the fire with -
If it's too light to light, we'll raze it to the ground.

There's no time like the present to present your present...
I moped when I sold my old moped -
If you desert your dessert in the desert, then I'll
Eat my sundae on Sunday instead.

I read your red letter you left on my left
But I've a right to write my reply on my right -
Then I rode my bike and you rowed your boat,
And little boy Blue blew his horn at the (k)night.

My nose sometimes runs and my feet sometimes smell
At least that is my understanding.
You'd think I'd gone head over heels as well -
But my head's over my heels where I'm standing!

Once I walked down the road and turned into a shop -
(It was actually a bit of a fleapit)
I asked for a rope, he said, "How long do you want it?"
- I told him I wanted to keep it!

Then he sold me a bear in a pound for a pound -
His soles were still bare from a pounding, I found.
I couldn't bear seeing that bear quite so bare
So I ground that sole soul in the ground!

Whilst crossing the Red Sea I found myself lost -
You could say I was wholly "marooned".
I said "Bandage my arm in the cool outdoor breeze -
Wind it tight in the wind so it's wound round the wound!"

So to sum up my tale, if you haven't now guessed,
I am under considerable linguistic stress -
I've just seen a poster announcing a play,
It said, "Shakespeare - pronounced success!"

© Elwood Herring 2003