THE ROCK
A children's story by Elwood Herring
Zillions of years ago in a galaxy quite near to us actually, there was a rock zooming through space.
This was no ordinary rock, however. this was a thinking rock.
Unfortunately it was thinking a bit too much about all the fun it had had back when the universe was young, and not enough about where it was going, and didn't notice the whacking great planet in its way until it was too late. Not that it could have done anything about it in any case. This was a rock, remember. It might be able to think, but it didn't have the ability to dodge a planet.
There was a loud bang, lots of painful crunching noises. then a long period of silence. And I mean long.
Now this is a curious planet thought the rock, after it had settled in its new crater and had a look around. (It didn't have eyes of course, but it could sense its surroundings in some fashion even it didn't understand. Well, do you know how your eyes and ears work?)
It noticed a long winding river a little way off. Nothing unusual about that, except that this river was tilted at about thirty degrees all along its length through the lush valley it meandered lazily through.
The river damply explained itself for the rock's benefit. Rivers don't care much for rocks ordinarily, they just get in the way and have to be worn away which takes a great deal of time and effort. But this one had graciously landed a safe distance from the river, and for that it was mildly grateful.
The land had shifted and twisted millions of years ago as all land tends to do over time, but this river had a mind of its own and insisted on staying in the course it had so painstakingly cut through the rock. So it ended up being the only slanted river in the universe. The fish had long ago given up trying to swim straight in it and had evolved to float above it instead.
I know what you're thinking. A smart rock, a clever river and some very astute fish. Well, this is my story and if I want to imbue inanimate objects with intelligence, that's up to me.
So now we have established the scene, it's time to introduce one of the local inhabitants. Meet our hero, Ug.
Now this is a strange place, I hear you thinking. Apparently the rocks and rivers have even more intelligence than the people. Ug is so unsophisticated he has only recently discovered tasty treats which grow inside his nose. He has three children, "Ag", "Ig" and "Eg". He would have had more but he ran out of vowels.
So, Ug was out looking for food one day (and perhaps a bunch of flowers for his wife "Ow". He called her that because that's what he said when she hit him), when he heard strange voices in his head. They got louder the nearer he got to his neighbour Og's cave. When he got there he saw the cave had gone, and most of the landscape with it. Instead there was a huge hole (he had never seen a "crater" before, so didn't have a word for it) and whatever was trying to attract his attention seemed to be coming from inside it.
It seemed to be calling for help.
Get me out of here, it yelled straight into his prehistoric brain.
Unfortunately it was competing with Ug's own thoughts, which went more along the lines of "Looks like old Og's had it. Guess I'll never get my flea comb back now."
"Get some heavy lifting gear. I need a crane or something. Can you help?"
"Crane. Ker-rain. Kuh. Rain. Maybe Og was out. Mmm, tasty. Why do I keep thinking about rain?"
"Hello? Can you hear me?"
"Wot's a cane?"
"A crane. Lifting gear. Do you understand?"
"Er... my head hurts."
"Damn, looks as if I'm going to have to do this the hard way. This could take a while. Hey, you!"
"Me?"
"Yes, you. Would you say you are representative of the current height of intelligence round here?"
Silence.
It had been silent all along (save for the distant popping of floating fish blowing bubbles and considering their future path of possible evolution into birds of some sort), but this was thinking silence.
There was a long mental sigh from the depths of the crater.
"Okay, let's start at the beginning. Do you know what fire is?"
The rock tried to project a mental image of a burning tree as an example.
"OW! OW! Skybanghot!!!" There was a sensation of panic and fear, then silence.
"Great. Terrific. He's run off."
Ow however (remember her?) had heard her name being called and clumped off to see what all the racket was about. The rock tried again to explain its predicament, and eventually managed to get across to her the idea of rubbing sticks together to make fire. It only took about twenty years but the old woman finally managed to explain the whole process to Eg and Ig (and their own kids Oi and Yu) and civilisation finally started on its long painful path to greatness.
And so began the long arduous process of education of the only available species of crude intelligence on the planet that might eventually learn how to fire a thousand ton solid iron meteorite back up into its natural habitat. Well, rocks live a long time (if you can call it living) and are extremely patient. They are also responsible for a great deal more confusion and conflict in the universe than they realise.
2. The Great Pyramid of "So"
A good (well not all that good really. Rather grotty in fact) ten thousand years after Ug and Ow's encounter with the Rock, and things had improved somewhat. By now a primitive city had developed, and the great leader Qa decided he wanted a huge monument to his power and authority. He decreed a huge pyramid to be built that would last for eternity. He sent his brainiest subjects to find the most durable material to build his monument with.
After years of searching, they laid out everything they had discovered on a long table in front of him. He went through each sample in turn, hitting it, scraping it, bending it, and discarding them all one by one. Finally he came to one which seemed to fit the bill. He couldn't dent it or even scratch it at all. And as a bonus, it was completely see-through and glittered marvellously.
"This is the one. Make me a huge pyramid out of this stuff" he ordered.
"But your highness, that is pure diamond."
Qa the Magnificent looked up at his advisor (he was vertically challenged to a ridiculous degree, but nobody dared laugh.) With as much authority as he could muster with his thin squeaky voice, he spoke.
"So?" he sniffed.
And thus began the colossal search for every diamond in existence. It took literally thousands of years - the pharaoh had insisted that he would refuse to die until it was completed. And the fact is that he was so well respected (read: feared) that nobody dared try to argue with him, so the work continued for millennia after he himself had turned to dust. This is how legends start, after all. There was always a terrible suspicion that he was only faking, and that if the work stopped for a single day he would be back to kick some backsides and start asking awkward questions.
Eventually the pyramid was completed, and looked magnificent in the blazing sunshine, dazzling everyone in the vicinity with searingly bright rainbows and providing everyone with lovely coloured shadows. Two hundred feet tall and built entirely of diamond, it could easily last for a million years. However, by the time it was finished nobody could remember who the great Qa was or what he wanted it for. Still, wasn't it pretty?
(Okay, I know there isn't that much diamond on Earth - but who knows what other planets might contain? This isn't Earth remember, even if it does bear some striking similarities.)
And all this time the Rock sat in its crater, carefully directing the thoughts of the people around it and dreaming of flying through space again.
To be continued...
© 2009 Elwood Herring