THAT MASTERPIECE
(A tribute to the unique genius of Noel Coward)

I don't think I'll write that masterpiece today.
I don't think I'll write that masterpiece today.
It's been buzzing around my head now for the last six months or more,
I wanted to base it on Parsifal but can't put my hands on the score.
You know the sort of thing I mean -
The plot revolves round a king and queen
Who the audience loves to hate…
Especially if they skate…
But everyone I suggest it to tell me it's all been done before.

I don't think I'll write that masterpiece today.
I don't think I'll write that masterpiece today.
I've got this idea for a string quintet that refuses to go away.
The players can make almost any sound except what they're supposed to play.
I got the idea from Philip Glass
(Who usually talks out of his ass) -
But this time he got it right -
It sold out almost every night!
(Between me and you it was something to do with that topless cabaret...)

I don't think I'll write that masterpiece today.
I don't think I'll write that masterpiece today.
I think I'll sketch out a musical, I'm rather fond of those.
(Let's face it, writing a musical is easier than prose!)
I'd like it to sound a bit like Chess
But it's likely to come out one hell of a mess
If I don't employ Tim Rice -
I've suggested it once or twice,
But he constantly tells me he's seen quite enough of gay dancers in pantyhose!

I don't think I'll write that masterpiece today.
I don't think I'll write that masterpiece today.
I've often been asked by adoring fans for an autobiography.
I've almost left it too late to reveal my sordid history.
I've talked to my agent on the phone
But he told me to leave it well alone…
"Imagine your fans' disgust
Their idolatry turned to dust -
When they find out the truth about you and that Ruth…"
(The girl with.. well, read it and see!)

I don't think I'll write that masterpiece today.
I don't think I'll write that masterpiece today.
To tell you the truth I'm sick to the teeth of the critics who pan and slate -
They labour with every hackneyed breath to destroy what I create.
The audiences now are a gloomy shower -
They might get a joke every half an hour...
As for actors - they're beyond a joke;
Either "snorting" glue or "sniffing" coke!
No concerts now but "gigs" -
I'm feeding caviar to pigs;
In fact I'm inclined to leave it behind by becoming a magistrate!

© Elwood Herring August 2002