(Inspired by a story about a millionaire who willed his entire fortune to a complete nonentity
simply because 'He's never interfered with my life in any way, shape or form that I'm aware of')
Let's drink a toast to Algernon Bartholomew Du Pré -
Who's never buggered up my life (or yours) in any way,
(Of course you've never heard of him; he's called the 'man in grey') -
He's basically a cipher, and prefers his life that way.
Let's drink a toast to Algernon Bartholomew today -
He spends his time arranging his chrysanthemum display,
And making animated films with little blobs of clay,
Essentially a waste of space, and that's the way he'll stay.
Let's drink a toast to Algernon, in my book he's okay -
No good at conversation - he's got nothing much to say.
He never makes advances as he's neither straight nor gay;
When Algernon was born, God must have looked the other way.
Let's give three cheers for ABDP, hip hip and hooray,
He's never crossed my path to screw me up in any way,
He's difficult to pick out in a crowd of one, they say -
He's free from all ambition, independantly passé.
Let's drink to Algy, there's a chap who knows his place to stay;
His mother used to drive him mental every single day -
He would have been a politician if she'd got her way,
Thank God he stayed anonymous, that's all I've got to say.
So raise your glass to Al and his assorted shades of grey,
He'll never cut you up in traffic in his Chevrolet,
Or overtake your car to pinch the only parking bay,
Or turn up on your doorstep trying to sell you toilet spray,
Or try to 'Organize your life the new Organic way',
Or jump the queue you're waiting in to grab the last soufflé,
Or help you pack your shopping bags and drop the Beaujolais,
Or mix you up with someone else and spoil your holiday,
Or bore you at a party with his exploits in Bombay,
Or leave your bath tap on and saturate your underlay,
Or get blind drunk one night and throw up in your alleyway,
Or wake you up by practicing his E-flat cor anglais,
Or turn up on your wedding night and steal your financée,
No, Algy's talent is unique - I hope he'll always stay
Completely absent from my life - I like him best that way.
© Elwood Herring July 2001
