Elwood Herring (1957 - 20??) Brilliant and unjustly neglected English composer, witty poet, excellent short story writer, competent artist, knowledgeable musicologist, extraordinary classical music expert, longstanding computer guru, amazing astronomy expert, brilliant maze designer, competent software developer, expert on the English language (even knows how to spell "definitely"!) etc. etc. - what can be said about this eccentric genius that hasn't been said already (although mostly by the man himself)?

      Well, quite a lot actually. Details of his childhood are sketchy, but it is now fairly certain he was born in 1957 in Selly Oak, Birmingham England, during the middle of a long heat-wave and a local UFO scare. The story that he was born whistling the theme from Close Encounters is just one example of the bizarre but unverifiable rumours that surround this individual.

      His musical talents (for want of a better word) were first noticed when he was still a toddler; at the tender age of four he amazed his parents by singing the Teddy Bears' Picnic all the way through, whilst farting an accompaniment in perfect counterpoint. Later his aunt bought a player piano on which the young Elwood took turns with his elder sister, playing selected piano rolls of classical music. Apparently, like all kids, they would invariably argue, especially as Elwood would always select the biggest, thickest rolls to play - mainly because it meant he had a longer turn on the pianola, but also his keen ear had picked up the deeper sound they made when they bounced off his sister's head.

      During his teens he acquired an electric guitar and learned to play it extremely quickly (if not accurately) and formed the now notorious short-lived rock band Red Herring in the late 70's, right in the thick of the Punk era. Red Herring was however nothing to do with punk, and very little to do with music if the truth be told. Nevertheless they did eventually settle down to record some interesting works, notably the bizarre piece called Apatcheye (which is still being used for demonstration purposes by music theorists and psychoanalysts.)

      After Red Herring disbanded (citing the usual "musical differences" which led to some band members being hospitalised due to various musical instruments being anally inserted), he tried again with Interface, a more serious attempt on the rock scene. Interface kicked off in 1983 with 6 members, but by the following year was reduced to just two - Elwood and a 15 year old female drummer (who prefers to remain anonymous). It was around this time that Elwood acquired his nickname after dressing up with a friend as The Blues Brothers for a fancy dress party. Elwood's real name is still unknown, but a reference has been found to indicate that it is an anagram of "Loutishly an anal wimp", and also (amazingly) a close anagram of "My Aunt Lil's Pianola".

      Elwood's solo compositions have been criticised endlessly, but as the man himself has explained, "Say what you like about my music, just don't call it boring!" If there's one thing his music isn't, it's boring. Weird, noisy, schizophrenic, cacophanous, dischordant, frightening even, but never boring! His "Violence concerto" is a case in point. (No, really. It actually exists. Click the link!) To call his eccentric electronic doodlings "music" is likened to calling a dead horse hanging from the ceiling "Art". But amazingly, some people like it. "A refreshing change" was the reaction of one famous music critic (now working as a street sweeper in Soho). Elwood was always keen to point out though that not all his music was "difficult", and claimed that he could write "some damn good tunes" when he wanted to. Fair enough.

      Elwood was a compulsive liar; even his claim that "Everything I say is a lie" must be treated with extreme scepticism. Various rumours have surfaced over the years; that he lived for six months in a discarded fridge; that he wandered around the streets of Birmingham with a brick on a lead; that he claimed to be the direct ancestor of Lewis Carroll; his irrational fear of pancakes; his insistence throughout his life that he was really a fish having a bad dream, plus the apocryphal account of him biting the head off a jelly baby live on stage, etc, etc. These rumours only perpetuate the myth of the man himself - a true British eccentric. His whereabouts since the great Exploding Bagpipe scandal of 1984 are unknown, but Elwood has a nasty habit of turning up where you least expect him. Have you looked in the back of YOUR fridge lately? Is it making a funny whistling noise? You have been WARNED!

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