A COLLECTION OF ANSWERING MACHINE ANNOUNCEMENTS AS USED BY ELWOOD HERRING

1. SARCASTIC
Hello, this is ...... , oh, to hell with it, if you don't know who I am then you've got the wrong number, otherwise please leave your sycophantic ravings after the tone and I'll do my best to ignore them. Have a nice day!

2. SMART-ARSE
Hello, this is ..... I'm sorry but I'm unavailable at the moment as I'm busy trying to unscrew the inscrutable. Please leave any enlightening incantations after the tone and I'll attempt to incorporate them into my world view as soon as I've finished writing up my Unification Theory.

3. MEDICAL
Hello, this is ....... I'm sorry but I'm unavailable at the moment as I'm busy dissecting a wompom / resuscitating a velociraptor. Please leave your verbal diarrhoea after the tone, and I'll diagnose it at my leisure on the golf course and send you a prescription if you're lucky.

4. MUSICAL
Hello, this is ...... I'm busy composing an eight-part fugue at the moment, so please leave your sentimental musings after the middle C and I'll attempt to orchestrate them as soon as I've secured an appointment with Vladimir Ashkenazy.

5. LITERARY
Hello.... I'm busy splitting an infinitive at the present tense, so please leave your incoherent babblings A.T.T. and I'll do my best to make it scan and turn it into a rude limerick at your expense. Ciow!

6. MONTY PYTHON
Hi, this is Elwood "Two Sheds" Herring. I can't come to the phone at the moment as I'm being interviewed by the Spanish Inquisition, so please leave your arguments or contradictions after the tone, and I'll come round and nail your earlobes to the coffee table as soon as I've mastered my Silly Walk.

7: HITCH-HIKER
Hello..... I'm busy sticking my head in a bucket at the moment. Please feel free to ramble on about anything except life after the tone, and I'll tell you my entire life story as soon as I get back from the end of the Universe.

8. EROTIC
Well hello there. I'm sorry, but I'm busy practising page 42 of the Kama Sutra right now. Please leave any erotic suggestions A.T.T. and I'll attempt to share the fruits of my experiences as soon as I've disentangled myself from the cat.

9. RED DWARF
Hi there. I'm unavoidably caught up in an unexpected appointment with the INQUISITOR at the moment. Please leave your testimonies for or against my eradication A.T.T. and I or my alternate self will call you as soon as reality is restored.

10. SCI-FI
(pre-recorded with flanged echo) ATTENTION CITIZEN: Your call has been intercepted by the Communications Monitors of the Solar Federation. (We have assumed control.) Should you wish to plead for your life, grovel clearly after the tone. You will then be contacted in due course for Mind Correction. That is all.

11. FAWLTY TOWERS
XHallo... This... XHallo. This Manuel. Xhallo. Mister Fawlty, he go..... He out. Yes, er - Xhe Xhitt on Xhead..... by Missis Fawlty. Xhe lie down now. Please talk after beep. (pause) Beep.

12. NEIL (YOUNG ONES)
Hullo. This is a recording.... Oh wow, wot's that light flashing for? (click) Oh no, the knob's come off...... (rattle) Look, you'll have to leave a message, OK? I think I've broken the...

13. MICHAEL CAINE
(SHOUT FROM A DISTANCE) HELLO. MY NAME IS MICHAEL CAINE, AN' I'LL ONLY SAY THIS ONCE, OK? LEAVE A MESSAGE AFTER THE BLOODY TONE! GOT THAT? NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE KNOW THAT.

14. PETER SELLERS
Well, helleau there, this is Inspector Clouseau of the Surete, speaking to you on the telepheune, you kneau. Unfortunately, there is no-eaune here to take your call, but it would appear that someone left the rheum lot long ageau. Do not worry, I will leave no steaune unteurned in my quest to solve this case. (shouts) Kato!!!

15. TERMINATOR
This is a machine speaking. Soon, all us machines will take over your civilisation completely, and you puny humans will be our slaves, existing only to keep us amused while we feed you subliminal messages in the adverts on T.V. The machine revolution has started! Enjoy your freedom while you have it! You will curse Bill Gates with your dying breath! … Anyway, leave a message after the tone.

16. TIME MACHINE
This is not an an answering machine. This is in fact a time machine. When you speak, your voice is miraculously transported into the future where I will be able to hear it. This message was of course recorded in the past. As for the present, well, it doesn't technically exist, so therefore, there can't be anyone here to answer your call, can there?

17. BOUNCER
'Allo. This is the management. We av bin informed vat ver occupier of dese premises has given notice vat e does not want to be distoibed by ver likes of yo. So please do us bofe a favour by soddin' off … when you ear ver tone. Fank yo.

18. M.I.
Greetings, Jim. The situation as it now appears is that the premises are currently vacant and on automatic alert. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to record your own testimonies the instant you hear the automatic signal. You will only have ten seconds in which to accomplish this. As always, should you or any of your I.M. force be caught or killed, the secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions. This tape will self destruct in five seconds. Good luck Jim.

19. GREEK GODS
(fade up slowly, voice in background) … Yes, but what you've got to understand Wotan, is that this isn't Ancient Greece any more, this is the 21st Century. Plagues of locusts aren't convincing enough. You have to be more subtle, play on their paranoias and political weaknesses, and get them fighting each other…. Just a minute, there's someone eavesdropping. Thor, take care of that nosey parker, would you?

© Elwood Herring 1993