Classical Music asked for by people in record shops:
(If you can't figure these out, click here

Bach's Art of Fudge and the Dark Bubble
Berlioz's Coarse Hair overture
Copland's Funfair for the Common Man
Debussy's Afternoon on the Phone & Pail of Cement and Sand
Delius's On Cooking the First Hero in Spring
Dvorak's News of the World
Haydn's Cremation
Jacky Bear's Advertisement
Lehar's Golden Syrup Waltz
Liszt's Hungarian Raspberry
MacCunn's Land of the Fountain and the Mud
Messaien's Strungalongtoolonga
Nielsen's Indistinguishable symphony
Offenbach's Awfulness in the Underground
Parry's Best Pair of Nylons
Rimsky-Korsakoff's Bite of the Humble Flea
Rodrigo's Orange Juice Concerto
Schubert's Great Sea Monster
Sibelius's False Teeth, Tapioca and Sago
Smetana's Battered Bride
Stravinsky's Riot of Spring

"I'm looking for the Kodaly Buttocks-pressing song" - customer in CD shop who actually wanted "Could I but express in song"

Another good one was sent to me recently - spotted on ebay: "CD For sale - Frank Bridge's Forsee Interloops" (actually Four Sea Interludes - I really don't get this - I mean the seller HAD the CD in front of him, there was a picture of the cover on eBay with the title correctly spelled, so how on earth did he come up with "Forsee Interloops" in the description? Bizarre.)

Suggested CD Compilations:
(These are all genuine composers' names!)

Pastorales by Farmer, Sheppard, Field, Wood, Hill, Dale, Banks, Reed & Mudd
Services by Gassmann & Telemann (I don't think there was ever a composer called Waterman - pity)
Commissioned works by Pound, Schilling and Penne
Variations on The Ring by Gold, Silva, Diamond and Glass
Variations on Carnival of the Animals by Wolf, Bull, Lambe, Lama and Gibbons
Drinking songs by Beers, Binge, Brahms & Liszt
A Lunchtime Concert CD by Suppé, Pasta, Fried, Rice, Hamburger, Bacon & Egge, Rost, Lambe and Veg

The A-Z of Piano by Nicholas Lumsden
A is for Alkan, whose hands were gigantic,
B's for Balakirev - wild but pedantic.
C is Chaminade, Cui and Clementi,
D is for Dussek's sonatas a-plenty.
E is for Etudes that nobody learns,
F is for Field and his lilting nocturnes.
G's for Godowsky's insane paraphrases,
H is for Hummell's E flat Polonaises.
I is Illinsky (who wrote a Berceuse)
J is for Jongen, neglected for years.
K is for Kopylov's Fugues and Mazurkas,
L's for Lyapunov - not for slow workers!
M is for Medtner (a thank-you to Hamish)*
N is for Nielsen, who brought home the Danish.
O is for Out-of-print works, long obscure,
(Some of Scharwenka's are hard to endure).
P's Paderewski's great Polish Fantasia;
(All of the Q's have been chucked in the brazier).
R is for Rebikoff, Russia's own Satie;
S is for Sorabji - quite wilfully scatty.
Then we can have the Tcherepnins for T;
Which leaves with U, quickly followed by V.
There's Wihtol and Wilklund both making up W;
As for the rest, there's no reason to trouble you. #

*By which I mean Milne who, with consummate ease,
Has put his best work on four splendid CDs.
#Ussachevsky and Valen? There's no need to linger;
For neither of them barely lifted a finger.
Xenakis, Ysaye, Zemlinsky and such
Didn't write for piano - at least not that much.

Nicholas Lumsden, London E9
Taken from Classic CD magazine issue no.9 Jan 1991 (used with permission)
(Nicholas - thanks for letting me use your poem; I think it's brilliant!)

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